Was, Am, Will Be

Before | After

And lastly,

 To this:

 Somehow, I only have the photos of these people when they were younger in Sam. So yeah.

No, I'm not trying to be funny, or make people mad at me for putting ugly photos as usual. I just really need to do this. Yeah, emo-ness overload. I was looking through the photos in my phone yesterday, the photos I took before 2009. And when I was looking at them, I somehow felt really sad. Like there was this heavy feeling. I don't know why. It's not that I regret that my friends or my family have grown up this way. They are who they are. And everyone has to adapt. But of course, I don't mean they've grown up wrongly. Otherwise, they wouldn't be so important to me. But in some ways,everyone has changed. We all have. I probably changed the most. Sometimes, I wonder if my family members, those who have taken care of me and watched as I grew up, I wonder if they ever regret me growing up this way. Obviously, nobody will ever say that to me. They love me too much. But I can't help thinking about it. Because I know, I'm disappointed in myself, at what I have become. And if I feel that way, there is a high possibility that they will feel that way too, since only they know what I was like before, and what I am now. I don't wish to be anyone else though. Whenever someone asks me, "If you can be anyone in the world, who will you be?" My answer is always the same: "Myself". They'll assume I'm happy and I really love myself. And being me, I let them think that way. Less troublesome, you know. But truth is, it wasn't because I am perfect and I really love being me. It's because I just don't find anyone worth being. While I don't want to be anyone else, I don't want to be myself either. I don't know. I'm a contradiction, as always. If I could, I really would turn back time. To right all my wrongs, to change myself into someone more, easy-to-love, I suppose. Someone kinder, nicer, sweeter, smarter, more obedient, more considerate, more tolerant, more patient, someone with a life goal. Not lost like me, yet always running away, thinking if I don't acknowledge the problem, it'll disappear. I keep on running till it's too late. A lot of my major regrets are always this way. I run, and I go on running, until it's too late to make things right. How do you make things right when that person is gone, and you can never see that person again? How do you make it right when every word you say is like another blade stabbing through someone's heart? How do you make it right when you reject the only person who only tries to help you and does nothing but be nice to you? How do you make it right when you abandon a person for so long that there seems no way to reconnect? How do you make things right when all you ever do is to make those important to you mad or upset? You can't, you see. You can't. And why do I want to be someone easier to love? Because everyone knows I'm not the easiest person to love. I once asked Kern Yeung, I think. "Why do our parents love us?" She couldn't really answer me, because I knew the answer. "Because they must." Even if I'm a drug addict, or a murderer, they don't have a choice. Family is family. And while that's the reason why my family is everything to me, it also means they have to love me despite the fact that I may not deserve it. I just, wish I'm not the way I am. I was probably a better person when I was younger. But growing up,  I become a master in the three arts I mentioned in the post below. Should I be proud of myself? Only the strongest survive right?

LOL. This is probably the most honest I have ever been for a very long time. I wonder how long has it been since I was really honest with myself. I told you right, I'm always running. So even when I'm really upset, I run. I avoid thinking about it, so I don't have to face the emotional turmoil. But today, I was in self-destructive mode, so recklessness is a given. And just so you know, I'm not depressed, or emo-ing actually. I'm typing all this in a matter-of-fact way. I'm sad, true, but I'm okay. Because I've accepted that things are like that, that I am like that. I'm sorry to anyone I have hurt today, I know I did. Sorry. And I also apologize for all this rubbish here, wasting your time and energy. You don't have to read it, you know. This is for myself. I need to empty my emotionometer. Hee, I kept too much for too long. So I need to unleash everything out. Read it if you want, I don't really care. But don't take it too seriously. Because Rachel is an airhead, as always. She always has her head in the clouds. So YOU should lighten up. =D

 P.S. While I don't feel particularly sad when I found out Steve Jobs died at first, I do regret his death. I don't feel heartbroken, because I didn't know him personally. I can't feel sad for a person that I have never even met. But a life lost, is a life lost. So rest in peace, Mr Jobs, and other people who have died without the public knowing. *Salutes* =)